Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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