soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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