It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
