I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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