You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Randomize
