How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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