I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
