The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Randomize
