Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
