i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Randomize
