I'm gonna have a badass scar
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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