Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
