Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
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