I hope mine doesn't look like that
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Randomize
