i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Randomize
