Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
