I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
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