i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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