I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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