Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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