chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
