I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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