What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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