the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Randomize
