Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
