You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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