I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
