I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Randomize