The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I'm always down for nudity.
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