Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
