yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
