i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize