I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
