I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
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