I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Randomize
