someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I had to cum in my sink.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
