She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I cut my penus on the lid.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
She tied me up with her honor cords...
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
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