I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Randomize
