His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
