I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
We had to coat check the pizza.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
