ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
