you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
