Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
