please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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