We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
