sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
