Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
