Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Randomize
