Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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