Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Randomize
