I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
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