People with herpes should wear stickers.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
