I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
