i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
