my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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