Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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