I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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