Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize